My America

I was listening to the President speak last night and it got me to thinking....if I could remake America what would it be like. So here it goes....in my America we would never lose the trust and joy we are born with, hatred would not exist (except maybe for bugs). Our children would be able to grow up without fear.......the fear of being hungry or homeless, of being beaten and abused, in my America our children would grow up knowing kindness, love and warmth... they would know that they would be able to get any kind of education they desired and that the only limitations are the ones they place on themselves. In my America our elderly would be able to enjoy their later years without fear..... the fear of being abandoned, abused and tossed aside. In my America a man would be a man (no matter the color of his skin) and valued for what he brings to our lives.....his strength, courage and love and in my America God (no matter the name he was given) would be celebrated and allowed to bring all the joy that we could handle. We would all be able to come together as a community and support, uplift and encourage each other to bigger and better things.

You may think that this is all rather silly......but isn't better than the America that we have today? What would your America be like?

When we start valuing our youngest and oldest brothers and sisters and stop judging someone by the color of their skin or the way they look we all benefit.....so what do you say, can we make my America more than a dream? Be kind to one another and have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

On the Edge or Over It?

Every year around this time I find myself on the edge.....on the edge of what I don't know. I feel tense and nervous.....I don't sleep well (worse than normal) for fear.....again of what I am uncertain. I sometimes wonder if (for whatever reason) that I am more aware of the time that is passing and the uncertainty of the times that I live in. I get to the point where I hate to pick up a paper or listen to the news......it never appears that as human beings we are actually evolving toward anyting other than our own self destruction......what is the point of getting up in the morning? It may sound like I am in a funk......but that is actually not the case. I used to think that it was "spring fever" but, now, I am not so sure....maybe I am just becoming more sensitive to my own mortality (I have always been aware of it....in the back of my mind). It is at this time of year that I miss my grandfather the most and maybe I just don't know how to process that in any way that is constructive.....I was blessed to have had him in my life well into my adulthood and to know that he loved me always (even at my least likable stages) without reservation or judgment.....other than my best friend and the love of my life......he is the only one to have ever given me that in this world. I think that the loss of that love is one of the things that make it easier for me to think about going home to God where not only will I see my grandfather again I will get to bask in the love of our true Father and know that at last there is no more suffering of little children or pain of rejection......I guess that I have babbled on long enough. Be kind to each other and have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Family

Today was the day I finally accepted that my mother will never be the way I want her to be. She will never just love me without strings or be there for me without expecting something in return and finally I am OK with it. I am OK not having her in my life on a day to day basis and really not being around her much anyway. I have spent the better part of my life being a good girl and trying to gain her love (she is not capable of loving me the way I need her to so I give up) I have my children and my grandchildren and they love me without question (or strings) I have the best friend a person could ask for and God. Not to say that this does not sting a little, but it is something I can live with. I still love her but she is not a positive influence in my life and as I have often said "sometimes you just have to cut the negativitiy out of your life" I am taking my own advice. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

How Do We Know?

Today (actually this whole week) has been a test of some sort (I just haven't figured out if I passed or failed). One of my friends at work has been going through a rough time this week (her future mother-in-law is dying) and looking to me (her much older friend) for advice, and what I have discovered is that "I suck at giving advice". On the one hand, I know (due to my years of experience) that there is no easy way to go through this particular experience but on the other hand, as a friend, I wish I had some magic answer for her that would take her pain and stress away. Instead, I have to be the one to tell her that this is all part of life and the method by which we evolve and grow to (hopefully) become wiser as we get older. So "how do we know the right thing to say?" Let me know when you figure it out :-)

The next thing was that I was talking to my BEST FRIEND and as usual he was educating me about current events that I might have missed (oh, lets be real..... he knew I missed ;-) and once again the stupidity that one human being (of a certain age when they should be past stupidity) can exhibit makes me question the whole evolution thing........I ask you "Wisdom does come with age? Right??? and if it does'nt then what are we still doing here? Sometimes I think my grandkids are smarter than most of the adults I know. Well, tomorrow is another day and another chance for me to "evolve" and I challenge everyone to try it.......you just might like it!

First step in this process is.......Take a deep breath (OK let it our or you will pass out)....second step....open up your mind and explore the possibility that you do not know everything...third step.......let go and let God (because he is the only one who is smarter than a 5th Grader). As I have told my friend at work all week "we cannot control that which is out of our control and trying to do so will only drive us "INSANE", so take back your sanity and be kind to each other. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Discovery

This is the year that I have dedicated to self discovery (I know sounds a little airy-fairy), but my children are grown and I am on my second marriage, so I started thinking around the holidays "who am I" and the answer was "I don't know". I have been someone's daughter, sister, mother or wife my entire life. I never took the time to find out who I was and now have no idea who I am. I am not alone in this, many women my age (or older) have at one time or other asked themselves the same question. I am starting to get over the idea that this is selfish (after all I want the same things for my daughters -- so lead by example). By the end of the year I hope to have a better understanding of the girl I was, the woman I became and the person I want to be. Life has not always been fair (and no one said it would be) but overall I have had a decent life with many blessings (and few curses). I have loved well (if not always wisely), laughed (a lot) and lived to the best of my ability. I have learned to redefine what "success" means and to not let my failures lead me to far adrift. At the end of the day I would like to have no regrets. So, if at times, I seem lost do not worry I will find my way home and hopefully be all the better for the wrong turns, as well as the right ones.

When the time comes to say goodbye, remember smile when you think of me and have another drink, try not to cry and know that I love you (sometimes more than life itself) and will always watch over those that are special to me. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Frustration!!??!!j

In case anyone missed the notice (or forgot to mark it on your calendar) today was frustrate Tamra day! The day started out innocently enough and then I woke up (some might say that waking up is a good thing, today I tend to disagree). From the time I got out of bed the universe decided to mess with me today. First, my cats thought it would be a good idea to play war all over the house (which entails them running all over and using me as a jumping off point), then when I went to work all the idiots picked this day to call and ask, or say, stupid things and generally annoy the hell out of me, in line next to frustrate me were my children (they were polite about it 1st the oldest and then the youngest tooktheir turns) and last, but certainly not least (after all the night is not over yet!) the change machine at the car wash! Now, I know that some days will rain harder than others, but seriously, can I not get a little warning? Had I known how today was going to go I coulda stayed in bed (or had a V8, which is apparently a cure all for everything!). Now as the day winds down I find myself thinking about all that has happened and wondering "would it really be sooooo bad not to wake up tomorrow?" I guess as long as God sees fit to give me breath I will see fit to get out of bed, but be warned tomorrow I may not be so nice about it. My friends who know me are probably shaking their heads right about now and asking "and this is different how?" You know who you are and all I have to say is SHUT UP :-) Given everything that happened today I am still blessed, with all the frustration I did have some good points, I got to see my grandson (and he was happy to see me) and 2 of my granddaughters (also happy to see me -- they still think I am GREAT).

Well tomorrow is another day, so pray that I don't end up on a tower with a rifle (especially since I don't know how to shoot or load one and would hate to mess up my pedicure!) Remember I love you all to distraction and wish you peace and happiness.

Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow!

TTFN

My Heart

While my children have always been my heart (and now my heart has expanded to include 5 beautiful grandchildren) and I have always been proud to be the mother to my 2 beautiful daughters, I am especially proud to have my youngest daughter (who was in an abusive relationship for 5 years) who is now in a healthy relationship and has 3 beautiful children of her own. She has decided that she wants to try and help other young women who may be in an abusive situation by telling her story and will be giving an interview on television and she has decided to volunteer at a women's shelter. While she was with her daughters' father I was always afraid that I would lose her to the abuse and now she is healthy and happy almost like the girl I raised. I am so proud of her and her accomplishments. I am very proud to say that I have raised 2 wonderful, intelligent, beautiful girls who have grown up to be wonderful, intelligent, beautiful women. God has truly blessed me. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Wait and See

This past Saturday my relationship finally blew up (literally, he stormed out of the bedroom and the house) at this point I was pushed past the point of caring about his feelings and for once decided that the cold unvarnished truth about the differences in our physical needs had to come out (no pun intended) and be discussed and resolved, so on Sunday when he started to give me the obligatory apology for what happened Saturday night I insisted on knowing specifically what he thought he should be sorry for, and of course he was apologizing for the wrong thing. The greatest hindrance to a relationship is miscommunication, so this time instead of being quiet I spelled it out for him -- step up or we should not be together. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy but we are completely different when it comes to sex (he is more vanilla and I am.....not). Going on the premise that perhaps I had been unclear as to my needs I proceeded to spell them out, which basically translates to this philosophy "if you do not want an open relationship, then you need to figure out how to meet my needs and if you cannot then we need to not be together". The thought of another ending makes me sad, but the thought of letting this go on until I hurt him so much that he ends up hating me is not acceptable.

The bottom line regarding relationships is this "I do not understand how, if you are in a relationship with someone who has been honest with you about their needs and you really do love them, can you not do everything in your power to make that person happy to be with you?

So the end result for me (after the discussion this weekend) was that only time will tell if he really is willing and able to step it up so that we can be happy together, if not then once again (and for the last time) I will be looking for a place to live, so for now I will wait and see.......

Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow

TTFN