My Addicition

Addiction -- a word I knew but was not familiar with until my early 40's. I have spent the better part of my life judging my sister for being an addict. After 20 years of marriage (not all bad) I decided that it just wasn't working and that we needed to be apart. I have been responsible for someone my entire life, first my sisters (my parents divorced when I was 8 since I was the oldest it fell to me to take care of them when my mom fell apart), then my daughter (I got pregnant a week before my 16th birthday), then at 19 I married my ex-husband and we had a daughter. I had never taken the time to figure out who I was or what I really wanted, so when my youngest daughter turned 16 I started to feel like something was missing. My kids were practically grown and did not need me, my husband loved me but did not like me and I did not know me. After the separation I went, for a lack of a better word, wild. Whatever I wanted to try I just did it, which eventually led me to crack cocaine (which I fell in love with) and from there it was a quick trip downward. I lost everything but my sanity (and was well on the way to losing that). I was lucky because it only took me 2 years (from the beginning of my addiction to end of my addicition) to get clean and start trying to rebuild my life. I think about my sister often these days, but I no longer judge her. I accept the fact that until she is ready to let go of her addiction no one can do it for her. I also know that until she does that we can not be a part of each other's lives. I pray for her daily and hope that one day we can be close again. For all who are reading this and judging me now (obviously you have never faced this demon) be careful.....it is a long way down from the mountain you are on. If you have never dealt with this thank God and never think "it can't happen to me I am too strong" that is just what the devil is waiting for.

It is Thanksgiving tomorrow and when you look around you be sure to remember that blessings come in many forms and take stock of what you have (not the material possessions, but the emotional ones), all the people you love and all the people who love you this is where you will find your greatest riches. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN