Discovery

This is the year that I have dedicated to self discovery (I know sounds a little airy-fairy), but my children are grown and I am on my second marriage, so I started thinking around the holidays "who am I" and the answer was "I don't know". I have been someone's daughter, sister, mother or wife my entire life. I never took the time to find out who I was and now have no idea who I am. I am not alone in this, many women my age (or older) have at one time or other asked themselves the same question. I am starting to get over the idea that this is selfish (after all I want the same things for my daughters -- so lead by example). By the end of the year I hope to have a better understanding of the girl I was, the woman I became and the person I want to be. Life has not always been fair (and no one said it would be) but overall I have had a decent life with many blessings (and few curses). I have loved well (if not always wisely), laughed (a lot) and lived to the best of my ability. I have learned to redefine what "success" means and to not let my failures lead me to far adrift. At the end of the day I would like to have no regrets. So, if at times, I seem lost do not worry I will find my way home and hopefully be all the better for the wrong turns, as well as the right ones.

When the time comes to say goodbye, remember smile when you think of me and have another drink, try not to cry and know that I love you (sometimes more than life itself) and will always watch over those that are special to me. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Frustration!!??!!j

In case anyone missed the notice (or forgot to mark it on your calendar) today was frustrate Tamra day! The day started out innocently enough and then I woke up (some might say that waking up is a good thing, today I tend to disagree). From the time I got out of bed the universe decided to mess with me today. First, my cats thought it would be a good idea to play war all over the house (which entails them running all over and using me as a jumping off point), then when I went to work all the idiots picked this day to call and ask, or say, stupid things and generally annoy the hell out of me, in line next to frustrate me were my children (they were polite about it 1st the oldest and then the youngest tooktheir turns) and last, but certainly not least (after all the night is not over yet!) the change machine at the car wash! Now, I know that some days will rain harder than others, but seriously, can I not get a little warning? Had I known how today was going to go I coulda stayed in bed (or had a V8, which is apparently a cure all for everything!). Now as the day winds down I find myself thinking about all that has happened and wondering "would it really be sooooo bad not to wake up tomorrow?" I guess as long as God sees fit to give me breath I will see fit to get out of bed, but be warned tomorrow I may not be so nice about it. My friends who know me are probably shaking their heads right about now and asking "and this is different how?" You know who you are and all I have to say is SHUT UP :-) Given everything that happened today I am still blessed, with all the frustration I did have some good points, I got to see my grandson (and he was happy to see me) and 2 of my granddaughters (also happy to see me -- they still think I am GREAT).

Well tomorrow is another day, so pray that I don't end up on a tower with a rifle (especially since I don't know how to shoot or load one and would hate to mess up my pedicure!) Remember I love you all to distraction and wish you peace and happiness.

Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow!

TTFN

My Heart

While my children have always been my heart (and now my heart has expanded to include 5 beautiful grandchildren) and I have always been proud to be the mother to my 2 beautiful daughters, I am especially proud to have my youngest daughter (who was in an abusive relationship for 5 years) who is now in a healthy relationship and has 3 beautiful children of her own. She has decided that she wants to try and help other young women who may be in an abusive situation by telling her story and will be giving an interview on television and she has decided to volunteer at a women's shelter. While she was with her daughters' father I was always afraid that I would lose her to the abuse and now she is healthy and happy almost like the girl I raised. I am so proud of her and her accomplishments. I am very proud to say that I have raised 2 wonderful, intelligent, beautiful girls who have grown up to be wonderful, intelligent, beautiful women. God has truly blessed me. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Wait and See

This past Saturday my relationship finally blew up (literally, he stormed out of the bedroom and the house) at this point I was pushed past the point of caring about his feelings and for once decided that the cold unvarnished truth about the differences in our physical needs had to come out (no pun intended) and be discussed and resolved, so on Sunday when he started to give me the obligatory apology for what happened Saturday night I insisted on knowing specifically what he thought he should be sorry for, and of course he was apologizing for the wrong thing. The greatest hindrance to a relationship is miscommunication, so this time instead of being quiet I spelled it out for him -- step up or we should not be together. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy but we are completely different when it comes to sex (he is more vanilla and I am.....not). Going on the premise that perhaps I had been unclear as to my needs I proceeded to spell them out, which basically translates to this philosophy "if you do not want an open relationship, then you need to figure out how to meet my needs and if you cannot then we need to not be together". The thought of another ending makes me sad, but the thought of letting this go on until I hurt him so much that he ends up hating me is not acceptable.

The bottom line regarding relationships is this "I do not understand how, if you are in a relationship with someone who has been honest with you about their needs and you really do love them, can you not do everything in your power to make that person happy to be with you?

So the end result for me (after the discussion this weekend) was that only time will tell if he really is willing and able to step it up so that we can be happy together, if not then once again (and for the last time) I will be looking for a place to live, so for now I will wait and see.......

Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow

TTFN

Enough

The absence of any written thoughts lately might lead one to believe that there is not much going on in my head, however this would not be an accurate statement. In fact, quite the opposite is true the thoughts have been spinning around and around keeping me up at night. I have experienced all the excitement and hopefulness that the election brought and having watched the news lately (not my usual MO) I have been disgusted all over again by the way human beings can treat each other. I have also had enough of hearing about one spouse killing the other (or worse yet killing their spouse and children) whatever happened to just leaving? Seriously, if you are that unhappy in your relationship there is such a thing as divorce and it is really easy to get in America and how could someone kill their children or the mother/father of said children (I am disgusted and tired of this particular news item). I believe that we are going to hell in a handbasket but there is no use in taking the express elevator!

I have experienced Joy when celebrating my grandson's 1st birthday and revel in the wonder that awaits him every day. I am constantly amazed by the intelligence of my grandchildren (they give me hope for a brighter future).

The other day at work I was talking with some friends and the subject of death came up, one of the girls said that she was afraid of dying before she was rich, which led me to reveal that I was not afraid of dying (just the method by which this state would be accomplished) and that I was already rich. I have the love of my friends and family, 2 wonderful daughters (that I adore), my grandchildren who bring wonder and joy to my life, I have been in love once in my life, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a job I love and a God to believe in (what more could you ask for at the end of the day?)

So as you can see even though I have not been writing I have been thinking and counting my blessings. Live your life with no regrets so that at the end of the day when you take your final breath it will be with peace in your heart and the love that will follow you.

Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

The Joy of Children

My youngest grandson is getting ready to turn 1 and watching him grow has reminded me about the Joy that children bring to your life. Don't get me wrong, I love all my grandchildren and have marveled at each one of them as they continue to grow and find wonder in the world. However, I had almost forgotten the wonder a baby experiences every day, I was watching Alycia, Alexis and KJ the other day and while I was trying to get KJ to take a nap he was finding the baby in the mirror fascinating. It made me wonder when was the last time that I simply found wonder in something so simple as looking at my reflection? If we pause to think about how much of a miracle life is maybe we would all find a friend in the mirror. In light of the utter darkness that has surrounded me recently I find that being with someone who can communicate their feelings with absolute honesty (whatever a baby is feeling is prominently displayed) . With a baby you know when they are happy and sad, hurt and angry or sick and tired, too bad as adults we lose the ability to communicate our feelings with each other with the same absolute honesty that we did when we were children. Spending time with KJ gave me some peace and helped to remember that I am loved and I am worth loving (something that I was beginning to doubt). So I have decided to climb up out of the darkness and take a stand for me and return to the person that I fought so hard to become. Take time to find a friend in the mirror and you will see that as long as you have that friend you can do anything. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN

Darkness

The last week or so I have been in a really dark place where the light just can't seem to penetrate. No one has been able to get through. There are no words, even the people I love (and who love me) cannot seem to get through. I have been in this place before but it seems darker this time and I am afraid that I will never be able to find my way out. My best friend in the whole world seems lost to me and that is the scariest thing of all. Always before when I was in this place I at least felt tethered to the light, now I just feel darkness and bad thoughts abound. When will it end? I don't know.........hopefully soon. Have a blessed day and a better tomorrow.

TTFN